Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
