First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
it was like eating out sand paper
and she was petting her beer can
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
