mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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