It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
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