shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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