you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
that is very illegal...i love you.
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