we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
