well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
