I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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