I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
