the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
