Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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