there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize