I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
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