What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Randomize
