4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
