That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
time to smoke my breakfast
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
