I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Randomize
