listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
He better not be in your backpack
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
