so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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