My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Randomize
