you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize
