I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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