I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
two words...techno handjob
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
