Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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