We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
