Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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