I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
