she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
the liver wants what the liver wants
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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