I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
