Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
