he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
