problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize