Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
i drank out of a bidet.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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