Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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