The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
BRING THE BAGELS
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
