i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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