Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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