So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
not ubering you a puppy
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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