I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
