just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
