For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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