I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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