i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
