If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
