in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
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