My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
