Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
