according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
