sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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