Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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