final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
