I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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