I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
oh god was she eating orange peels again
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Randomize
