I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize