You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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