Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
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