life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
The best revenge is premature balding
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Randomize
