She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
