Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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