I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
You can't just leave with hair like that
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Randomize
