I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
